


A Survival Guide for the Holidays

by littlehuntress



Series: Winter Knights Fics [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Background Arthur/Merlin - Freeform, Gen, Holiday Blues, Holidays, M/M, Winter Fest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-23
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-05-15 17:05:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5792806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlehuntress/pseuds/littlehuntress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Morgana is feeling downcast thanks to the holiday season, it isn’t until Arthur and Merlin intervene that she might find a new meaning for the holidays.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Survival Guide for the Holidays

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 2015 Winter Knights Fest.

_Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas_ comes on again. This time it’s a jazzy version, the female’s sultry vocals taking over the air. The coffee shop is brimming with life, a sugary sweet smell surrounds her, clings to her persistently. Morgana ignores her surroundings, draws doodles on the fogged up window with her index finger. She's tempted to write Fuck Chistmas.

Morgana can’t escape the holidays, everywhere she goes there's a reminder that this is the season to be jolly and she's supposed to be happy. Snowman shaped cookies, Santa's chubby face plastered everywhere, mistletoe hanging from the ceilings, Christmas trees and garlands in every window. Even her office smells like cinnamon and apples. What’s worse is the fact this all began before October was even over.

She’s tried staying indoors hiding under the warmth of her blankets, planning to spend the entire weekend in bed, but as soon as she turns the television on there’s a Christmas special or Jimmy Stewart running back home to his family after being taught a lesson. So she resorts to watching horror movies on Netflix to counter the saccharine sweetness of the regular programming and music the media insists one should consume during the month of December.

Because of her anti-Christmas attitude she's earned the Grinch label— mostly it comes from Gwaine — and it might be all in the name of fun, but she's not amused, even the Grinch found his holiday spirit in the end. Morgana is thoroughly annoyed. She doesn’t hate the holidays, not exactly, it’s more that she dreads this time of the year. Her heart is in her throat and there’s a heavy feeling on her chest that won’t go away.

It's tiring trying to keep up with the holiday madness surrounding her, it gets harder to keep on smiling when all you want to do is fall apart.

“It’s the winter blues,” Gwen said one evening, understanding as ever. She had let Morgana rant and nodded in the right places. Morgana had felt a bit better after talking to her, but it was a few days ago and she’s back in the slums.

She's sure these issues she's having don't stem from a lack of happy memories, because she has some of those. Uther was never the kind of father to dress up as Santa, but still he had his good moments, the ones she treasures the most and are like secrets she can tell no one about, because those are only hers. She can't give them up.

She remembers Christmas with Arthur and their snowball fights, the pudding they ate when hiding under the table. There’s the memory of ivory keys, and _Holy Night_ playing in the background while the bright white snow was falling outside.

The truth is she's scared, her mind keeps going to the same place. She can't turn it off. Morgana constantly thinks about what she’s lost. what she’s missing. The emptiness follows her around just like Christmas carols do. She feels lonely.

“Morgana?”

She looks away from the window, coming back to the present day where Arthur is talking to her and Merlin has a wondering look on his face. Both waiting for her to keep up with the conversation across the table.

“Are you okay?”

Morgana rolls her eyes, she thought the entire point of them showing up at her doorstep to drag her outside and away from the comfort of her couch was to show her a good time. They had enough with her commiseration or something of the like. They’re annoying like that. But she's having zero fun. She should tell them that.

“Excellent,” she says with no real conviction.

“Come on, there's something to tell, you've been out of it lately,” Merlin insists before he takes a sip from his gingerbread coffee. She narrows her eyes at the offending beverage, hers is plain black.

She shrugs. She doesn’t need to share her feelings with those two, all she wants is to get back to her place, open a bottle of wine and fall asleep.

“Morgana, you know you can talk to me, I’m here,” Arthur says.

She thinks about it. Arthur is not always there or here. Time has changed them, their responsibilities and priorities are different, but she doesn’t hold a grudge because they do have separate lives after all.

“You’ve been acting strange,” Merlin accuses, eyes full of suspicion.

She can’t help it if she’s full of gloom, she's well aware of being a little black cloud over their little group of friends.

“You’ve become a shut-in, that’s not like you,” Arthur insists. “And you won't even join us for the holidays.

Melin looks her in the eye. “We want you there."

She sits up straighter in her seat. Sighs. If she doesn’t talk, they’ll just keep digging up, especially Merlin. “I just can’t find a real reason to celebrate this year.”

The chatter around her is cheerful, her words cutting right through the lighthearted atmosphere.

“You know you’re not alone, right?”

She scoffs. “Easy for you to say, you’ve got each other.”

Arthur opens and closes his mouth. He turns to look at Merlin and they do this thing where they’re in their own bubble and it’s like time stops for them and no one else is around. They're completely wrapped up in each other. She wouldn’t doubt they’ve had entire conversations just with their eyes, with one single look communicating. No one ever disturbs these moments or intrude when they're too busy bickering to notice someone else.

Their moment ends when Arthur's phone goes off. “It’s Gwen,” he says.

Morgana gives them a wary look. “Did she put you up to this?”

“No, that's very far from the truth. We care,” Merlin assures her. “Everyone does.”

“You don’t have to come if you don’t really want to, but we’d miss you. Who’s going to pretend to like every gift?"

Merlin nods. “We can be miserable together. Sharing is caring.”

“Toast the failures of the year,” Arthur adds. “We’ve all got out baggage.”

"Plus, there'll be alcohol."

She considers their words, it's true, none of them have had it easy, they've all needed some patching up.

Morgana remembers Gwen's willingness to listen to what she has to say, thinks of Leon's warmth, and Gwaine trying to make her laugh. And of course, Arthur and Merlin, who are right in front of her trying to lift her mood when they could be doing something else just the two of them.

She begins to smile and thinks of tinsel, and fairy lights, cheap beer and Gwen’s cooking. Perhaps it won’t be so bad to spend Christmas eve at Gwen’s with all of their friends. Even Gwaine’s bawdy jokes are starting to sound appealing.

She might miss those who are already gone, but she can find the bright side to these days if she tries. Spending time with the people she’s closest to sounds way better than her empty loft and cold food. Maybe the holiday season is about starting fresh and sharing not only the good things, but also the bad ones.

Misery does love company.

"Maybe," she settles on, a glint in her eyes.

The holidays are for the brokenhearted too.


End file.
